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Below is the list of slogans Shelly has shared with us over the past year. Click on the links and read what she has written about the slogans.
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The Power of NowMy history has no power over me. It has value, but no power. My future has no power over me. It has value but no power. The only power of any importance in my life is the power of NOW. For now, I make the choices that define the value of what the past has taught me (or not) and the power to shape what will come to be. BE HERE NOW where the power is. This is a "We" programWhen I acquainted myself with this program, one of the first things they told me was "You never have to be alone again." And although I had defiantly felt like an alien before finding the fellowship, I knew I was home once a skinny, 5 foot, incredibly wrinkled Indian woman threw her spindly weathered arms around my 6 foot torso and said with conviction "I love you." I smelled incredibly bad coming off a drunk that spanned LA to San Francisco, my arms pits reeked, my breath was toxic, my face swollen, and I shook so bad you could run a generator on the vibration. Yet Margaret's little brown eyes spoke the truth--she really did love me! This kind of love is found in every country of the world. We are family, you and I. In Russia, where I have attended and helped begin a number of meetings, they have a wonderful way of saying "you and I." In Russian, one doesn't say "you and I." To be idiomatically correct, you have to say "We with you." I see our family in AA, NA, and CDA this way. There is no "you and I" as two singulars but only a "we." There was no "Margaret and me" but "We with Margaret." Recovery truly is a "we" endeavor. We with you work the steps, start meetings, do service work. And we with you will meet someday as we trudge this road of happy destiny. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean.Problem is that many members of the fellowships are so afraid of being mean that they don't say what needs to be said. "Suit up, Show up, Sit up Shut up" is what we used to tell newcomers. We used to say this for darn good reason. Drunk drunks and newly clean addicts shouldn't be running at the mouth about recovery when they really don't understand what our way of life is all about. Unfortunately "Politically Correct" (or rather for us, "Therapeutically Correct") has hijacked our meetings. Leaders are reluctant to cut a newcomer off for fear of hurting their ego, shaming their inner child, rejecting them, or appearing to be mean themselves. Therapeutic terms have a place in therapy, not in our 12-step groups. We are not therapy. We teach a new way of life that makes it possible to stay off alcohol and other drugs. We can't teach them if they are not listening. In essence the newcomers begin teaching other newcomers and soon you have the inmates running the prison. So for us with a bit of time, let's stick to this: Suit up, Show up, Sit up, and Speak up! We are not Saints...Although there are no 12-step gurus, and God knows we are not saints, there are times when the words and actions of some members touch us so much that we consider them saints. Clancy, Johnny H., Clarence, Father Joe, and Don P come readily to mind. I owe my life to the people well-known and not so well-known that have devoted their lives to working with others. In the late 60's, I sobered up with Don P. in Denver. We began a 12th step half-way together; we both worked with newcomers; we began meetings together from several fellowships. At around 5 years, I began hearing people referring to Don as a saint. He was, and is, divinely inspired. My friend, Don, is very charismatic and his advice is sought the world over. But people weren't calling me a saint! I wanted to hear "Saint Shelly"and it wasn't happening, even though both Don and I devoted ourselves to helping others. Eventually, I worked through my petulant ego trip with my sponsor and learned to forgive myself for my self-centeredness. It wasn't until many years later that I began to see what God saw. This is not about me! Don had the spiritual fortitude to know up front it wasn't about him. Me? The very fact that I wanted to hear "Saint Shelly"meant that I should not be one of the ones sought out like Don because I would make it about me! My Higher Power protected me from myself. My sponsor helped me learn to do the next right thing and I developed the talents God allotted me through writing. With writing, I can't make it about me. How fortunate I am to not be Don, whose notoriety I would have abused and to be me sharing on this page. We are not Saints and I am not Saint Shelly! Young People Don't get Sober, They Get CaughtIsn't this enough to piss you off if you're a young person in recovery? More than one young person has heard an old fart recite this to them, as if that explained why someone younger than them managed to find recovery so much sooner! Oh sure, some young people play the game of the system or try to please their parents and fake recovery for awhile. But for as many court ordered DUIs that just get their slips signed and go drink, the same number actually hear something and find recovery. Getting caught is a great way to get recovery. We don't care how you get here, whether it is your parents that force you, a school counselor, the courts, or a guilty conscious--your're here. So if someone says the you didn't get sober but caught? Tell them you decided not to get recaught, but to recover instead. It works.This is the shortest sentence in the Big Book and pretty much sums up what the book can do for you. But there's a catch. The program does not work. That's right. The program does not work. Just like alcohol doesn't get you drunk. That's right. Alcohol doesn't get you drunk. You have to drink alcohol in order to get drunk. You have to work the program in order for it to work. 90 Meetings in 90 Days You'll hear this a lot around the rooms
of the 12 step programs and frankly I don't agree with this saying. We
need a lot more meetings than 90 in beginning recovery! A great way to
rectify this is to use the 3 in 1 plan. Always catch a ride or give a
ride to your daily meeting. This way you get a meeting on the way to the
meeting, a meeting during the meeting, and a meeting on the way home.
Now you've made 270 meetings in the first 90 days! This is how we lay
a strong foundation to begin working our steps. God-incidencesI have hundreds of these experiences, but here are a few of the highlights: · Asking God to help me find a house to rent (none were posted in the town or listed in the paper, I was pregnant, unmarried, and my brother in the Navy was going to take care of me) . I pray and begin walking down the first street I see. I find an empty house, knock at the adjacent house to inquire and find the man is just going to put out a rental sign. He is clean and sober in AA! He ended up taking me to many meetings and to the hospital 6 months later when I had the baby. · Had a hard time finding someone to restore my 59 Rambler. Quite by “accident” a man overhears me in an auto parts store and I end up hiring this stranger to restore my Rambler. I discover after a month he is also in AA. He has only 6 months and is trying to get back on his feet. We get to talk program, I get to help a newcomer, and I get to keep my money in our recovery family. I was delighted. · I was once 2 months on the outer Fiji islands with no other 12-step members. I got prickly heat so badly that I had to be taken to the island doctor and discover he is clean and sober in AA for many years—the only man on the Island in recovery and we get to fellowship. · I once looked up an AA friend I hadn’t seen in months, knocking on his door on Sunday morning. He answers with a bottle of wine in his hand and his jaw dropped open, he hadn’t taken the first drink was just about to. Needless to say, he didn’t drink that day and received a renewed spirit in recovery. What are your God-incidences? Why don’t you keep a journal and review it periodically when you need an attitude of gratitude? God Grant me…In this and most prayer, our expectations are to ask for something of God. Whether it is spiritual growth, money, emotional strength, or insight, we ask something of our Higher Power. In the program we are instructed no to ask for our own selfish gain, but only for things will enable us to help others. My third step prayer every morning for my 33 years of sobriety has been “Thy will, not mine be done in and through me.” I have felt so spiritually ‘in shape’ for asking God for His will for me instead of beginning my day asking for something material of God. Recently, in reading a book about the 12 spiritual habits of the spirituality enlightened, I found that my third step prayer has been narrow in scope. Ask not what God can do for you, the book revealed, or even passively for His will to strike, but make your relationship with God proactive. Ask what you can do for God! Today I begin every morning with “God, what can I do for You today?” I think looking to see what I can do for my Higher Power will serve us both better than looking to see what God can do for me. Don't Quit before the Miracle Happens I have been told often that God's business
is making miracles and that I am one of them. All I have to do is look
at one of my brothers who blew his mind on acid and went into a mental
hospital at age 21 for the rest of his life, another brother who ODed
on heroin at age 19, and my best friend who killed a five year old drunk
driving, to know what a miracle God created for me. Be careful what you pray for... In the first 6 months of my recovery, I
decided that I wanted to get well on the fast track. Instead of simply
responding to character defects and making amends, I would pick a virtue
and pray for that in order to get "spiritual" faster. Suddenly everything in my life was tromping
on my healing nerves like never before. I was in tears telling an Al-anon
friend of mine that I asked God to be granted a virtue like patience and
my whole life turned into one big raw nerve.
There are no winners in the Blame Game. Our little 5 pound Chihuahua died a few days ago. Bella was a constant
source of joy in
our family and loved us with that unconditional love that can only come
from our canine
companions and saints. My husband and I are deeply grieving. Typical of
our alcoholic
nature, our minds instantly tried to find someone to blame for our pain.
Could we blame
our friends who didn't want us to take the dog on our weekend getaway?
Turn It Over is not the same as Roll Over. Some people feel that turning things over to
their Higher Power is tantamount to rolling over and exposing their belly
to the forces of the world. The difference between Turing it Over and
Rolling Over is this: To Turn It Over you say, "God, I know you are
in charge and will make this work out to the good of all, even if I don't
understand the means. After all, I thought it was horrible
that I was an alcoholic and addict and now it has become my greatest blessing!" I say what I need to hear.Long ago, my sponsor told me to listen carefully to her words because the day would come that she would need to hear them repeated to her. I didn't understand then, because she seemed wise and so above it all to me. But as promised, as the years went by, there were times I was able to comfort her, let her know that life happens, and that God never promised us a rose garden. More important than me repeating her words were my sponsees repeating my words to me--how I have to laugh when one reminds me to read pages 61, 62, and 63 in the Big Book when I complain about someone not doing something the right way! I smile when one reminds me to pray for that SOB who gave me the wrong directions. It is especially nice when one tells me that trying to "earn" my husband's love is called co-dependency. When I sponsor someone, I have to be especially careful of what I say because I always do have to eat my own words and I want them to taste sweet not bitter!
Don't judge yourself by the way you feel.There are two types of feelings--physical (as in, the fire is hot and burning me, it hurts) and emotional (as in, my temper is hot and burning them--they pull away, it hurts). Both are designed to do the same thing, protect and guide us. We learn to be safe, eat, sleep, stay warm because of the way our body feels and we learn to be kind, nourish, be honest, and socialize because of how our emotions feel. But our feelings don't define us, our actions do. It doesn't make us bad people because the fire is hot and hurts--it makes us pay attention and keep our body parts out of fire. Similarly we are not bad because we have a quick temper--but we learn that expressing that anger hurts others and then us when they don't deal with us or strike back. So the hurt we feel guides us. The hurt and pain you feel in beginning recovery doesn't mean the program is not working--it means it is! It is guiding you to learn to do things right. As you learn how to keep your body parts out of the fire--it hurts. Do not judge yourself by the fact you feel lousy in beginning recovery. Just know that your guidance system is leading you to do the right thing--like not drinking or drugging (that will make you feel horrible), like going to meetings (you'll feel better after). They say on page 98 of the Big Book, "Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone." The analogy "burn" is a good one because learning to stay clean and sober is not unlike learning to keep our body parts out of the fire--it hurts like hell as we learn. When you feel bad, be grateful that your early warning system is working. You can either let go or be dragged...But what do we get by holding on to things? I can hold on to my anger or I can give it to my Higher Power. I can hold on to my fear or know that HP will direct the course of my life. I can continue to try to control people in my life or recognize that God is directing their course and responsible for the outcome, not me. Life is going to happen despite my trying to control people, places, and things. I am in charge of my behavior and attitude and have little to no control over the behavior and attitude of others. So will I allow my self to be dragged along life's emotional highways by not letting go? Suit up; Show up; Sit up; Shut up.In today's touchy feely atmosphere of "Don't say anything to hurt anyone so they don't end up with wounded egos," some folks take exception to the above advice to newcomers. "Let them talk and lead meetings" they say, "Pretend that the person with the most sobriety was the one who got up first this morning," "Act like a slip is no big deal and that relapse is a part of recovery."
Well nonsense. We didn't get to a 12 step program because we knew so much or didn't know so much and we didn't get here because we have low or high self-esteem, either! We got here because we are sick in body, mind, and spirit. If low self-esteem and lack of self-knowledge was the cause of our woes, then the Al-Anons, Nar-Anons, and CoDAs would have cured us! They certainly tried hard enough!
The best advice I got when I came in was to get ready for a meeting by suiting up, stick with the winners by showing up, listen and pay attention by sitting up, and turn my self-will off so I could learn by shutting up. Seven days without a meeting, makes one weak.I recall a time in my recovery when I wanted to not be so "dependent" on meetings and decided to branch out into mainstream society without my constant meeting attendance. I arranged it so that my daily life didn't include so many of my clean and sober friends. Soon I was feeling isolated and misunderstood. If I mentioned a shortcoming, my companions looked at me perplexed. If someone complained and I said, "turn it over" they asked "turn what over?" And when I mentioned my Higher Power, they said they didn't believe in astrology! It took very little time to realize that I wanted to be around my friends in recovery. We speak the same language and base living our lives on the same values. Although I love all people, my 12-step family is supportive, exciting and interesting and I need them. Just as I am not independently wealthy and need to work to stay solvent, I am not independently healthy and I need fellowship to stay solvent. God's will: you've turned it overSelf-will: you've overturned it.My cousin Susie, who died 25 years clean and sober, used to tell all of us, every time we became unhappy, to read pages 60, 61 and 62 of the Big Book. It was her answer to every trouble any of her sponsees experienced. And indeed, it is written there, "Each
person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show." Our actor is
self-centered--ego-centric--and if only people would do as He wished,
our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. When the "show"
doesn't come off very well, if we read these pages, we can get to the
root of our trouble. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion,
self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they
retaliate. Difference between patience and acceptance. In my column on the net a man recently
asked me the difference between patience and acceptance. Good question.
I think that Acceptance is a "me" thing. I stop "fighting anyone or anything"
and learn to accept. Patience is a "God" thing. I'll let God run the show
and be patient with the results of His direction--not trying to force
solutions and my will. Thus, Patience is the Acceptance of things that
happen when I don-t want them too. All you have to do is change everythingMany people feel that change can be a painful process and I say that is nonsense. Just as I can change my socks and shoes, I can change my attitude and behavior. What is painful is the resistance to change. If I never change my socks and shoes, holes will wear in them, I'll get blisters, my feet will smell and it will be painful. Changing my socks and shoes and changing my attitude and behavior is the same--it will keep me fresh, clean, and able to take steps, painlessly. Carry the message, not the drunk.Although we must be of service to our fellow drunk and junkie, although we want the hand of recovery to be there when they reach out, although we must give back what was so freely given to us, we cannot do for them what they must do for themselves. Yes, you take them to meetings, but can't make them listen; you give them a basic text but you can't make them read it; you be a good example but you can't stop them from picking up. Carrying the message is making every "opportunity" available to them, trying to carry the drunk means making "every asset of yours" available to them. So be the example, not the procurer of recovery. You just plant the seed, let God take care of the rain.
Recovery is not an Event, It is a ProcessThe disease of addiction affects all three aspects of our physical, mental, and spiritual selves by changing our behavior (to self-destruction), thinking (to self-serving), and allegiance (to no purpose). It was a slow debilitating process. Recovery is also a slow process back to balance in all three areas. We change our behavior to self-construction, our thoughts to service to others, and our allegiance from "no purpose" to a higher purpose. We do this through the PROCESS of working the 12 steps and we celebrate our progress with clean and sober "birthdays." Having a clean and sober birthday is an event. Earning those birthdays is the process. This isn't happening to you, it's happening for you.This is a new program slogan. God recently gave it to me and I'm sharing it with you. Lately, I have been suffering from marriage woes. Bob's not acting the way I think he should, I'm not acting the way he thinks I should and things have gotten way out of hand. We are both now deeply wounded and wondering how we got here. My defense is to go into prayer and meditation, listening for the still small voice within. "Why God? Why is this happening to me again?" I begged. As I walked across the living room, a program on television, caught my attention. Some guy was comforting a woman who had been through something terrible. Their predicament caused me to listen because they were suffering like me. He told her, "You have such a good attitude when all this is happening to you." She smiled looking out over the bay. He sighed, then began woefully lamenting on how she was handling it better than himself. She abruptly snapped, "Wait a minute, you don't get it, do you? This isn't happening TO me, its happening FOR me!" And I stopped short. Just that simple change in perception and the whole picture changes. She's right. My life works FOR me. It hones me, teaches me, makes me a better person. Nothing in my life happens to me, but for me. And I smiled. Isn't it strange how the "still small voice" sometimes hides in the TV? Relapse is Part of RecoveryThere are all kinds of myths when it comes to addiction and recovery and this is the grand daddy myth from the professional's corner. My mother, sober since April of 1969, really gets her hackles up at this one, "Relapse is Part of Recovery". Says Who? It's not part of the 12 step programs except as myth. Who benefits from such a saying? Treatment Centers and people who don't recover! Some Treatment Center personnel began the "Relapse" myth as part of their justification for clients relapsing at such an alarming rate. It not only became a form of feel-good excuses for low recovery rates but handed the slippers a convenient way to delude themselves about self-destructive behavior. Instead of admitting, "I f'd up by picking up," they can say, "Picking up is a part of the process of recovery!" It sounds like they are working on recovery when, in fact, they are working on the disease. Mom also makes the point, "What the fellowships say is keep coming back SOBER." Members warn of the very real danger of that last relapse: stepping in front of a car or bus, overdosing, being institutionalized for the rest of your life, and death! The truth is that any relapse can be your last one. But never kid yourself, relapse is part of the disease process, not part of our recovery process. God will never give you more than you can handle. When burdens become more than we can bear, people who try to comfort
will tell us that God won't give us more
than we can handle. Yet, when I read the news, when I see the World
Trade Center terrorist attack, when children are
murdered, women tortured, young men killed in battle, drunk drivers
using the roads as an obstacle course, how can
any responsible person say we can bear these things and that God
thinks we can "handle" them? For my shortcomings, I delegate; for my strengths, I congratulate.You certainly are not good at every aspect of service to your group. Yet you are very good at some of the skills needed and poorer at others. You may be good at opening meetings and setting up, emptying ash trays, remembering to contact people, or going out on 12 step calls. Maybe you are lousy at greeting people at the door, holding office, getting birthday cakes, or paying the rent. Whatever you lack skills for, others can pick up; whatever you are good at, recognize! This is fellowship at its best. I travel a lot and so do not make a good in-person sponsor. Yet I sponsor several people over the Internet and that works great for all of us. My sponsor told me that it is a form of humility to know my strengths and weaknesses and be able to admit them! So I congratulate myself on my strong points and allow my shortfalls to be delegated to others. Part of my service is having the humility to know what I can and cannot do and to say so! Life is an unanswered questionCarl Jung once said that anyone past 30 who has problems with living has failed to find meaning in the spiritual. While a contemporary of his, Viktor Frankl, a survivor of the Germany death camps, believed that anyone who has problems with the spiritual has failed to find meaning in living. It matters not from which aspect you search for your meaning-- it matters only that you do search. Recovery is a lot like this--why am I a drunk? What does it mean to live by principle? What is the purpose of me quitting using? Searching for meaning is your salvation and whether or not you answer all your questions is not as important is how you conduct yourself during your inquiries. AA Stands for Attitude Adjustment (or Altered Attitudes)Often the difference between a bad attitude and a good one is simply what you call it. You can be lonely or enjoy blessed solitude. You can be burdened or facing challenges and building strength. People can use you or you can be of use to others. One of my shortcomings is feeling that others don't appreciate all I do for them. I can really get into self-pity with this. However, I learned that if I changed the framework from which I view this, it changes my consciousness. An early thing I learned in recovery is a great spiritual exercise whereby you do something nice for others anonymously. So if others don't appreciate my actions, I can say to myself, "This is one of my random acts of kindness. I won't tell anyone it was me. This is a spiritual exercise!" Then my whole attitude changes. Instead of feeling pity for not being appreciated, I feel delight that I am doing a spiritual kindness anonymously as part of my program of recovery. Take a few moments and find a so-called negative in your thoughts today and phrase it differently. You'll feel differently once you do. Learn to change and change to learn.Don't confuse learning and knowing with expanding and growing. Have you gone to meetings and heard someone share by reciting something from the Big Book and quoting the page number? But their knowledge is not action if they haven't changed anything their life. If they can't then tell you how they had a situation in which they applied that knowledge--all it is knowledge, not growth. You begin the program by learning about it--you apply the program by practicing the principles. The next time you share in a meeting, see if you can identify the principle of the topic, then illustrate how you have practiced that principle in your life, how you have changed your behavior for the better. That is expanding and growing!Keep your sobriety first, to make it last.I knew a woman in the program who told me that her son came first. Without her son (age 6), she had no reason to be clean and sober. What a horrible burden to place on a child, that your well being, your life depends on them! God help that little guy when he goes to fall in love and begin his own family—if Mom isn't a part of this will she drink again? What of the wife who says her husband is first and if something goes wrong with him, she'll drink? By making a partner or child first in our life, the priority is self-will—"If I get what I want from my child or partner than I will stay clean and sober." So you are not in recovery for spiritual growth, it is to get what you want. You'll "drink" at God for not giving you what you want? God and sobriety first is God's will and putting anything else first is simply self-will. This is a selfish program.Actually, this is a saying that is highly overrated. Our whole program is geared toward service to others, so "selfishness and self-seeking will slip away." My mother joined the program months before me. One of the first things she did was to stand up for herself—she kicked her drinking and drugging niece out of her apartment, she left drunken family gatherings to go to meetings, she didn't give her kids money anymore to make up for ugly things done in binges. When Mom began taking care of herself, we saw this as "selfishness". Instead of putting our needs first, she took care of her needs. By putting her needs first, she got sober and it was her example and gentle prodding that led to our recovery. It's one of those paradoxes that, by taking care of herself, she was able to give real care to the rest of the family.
When one door shuts, another opens.When I first heard this, I thought it was a bunch of crap that people fed you so you didn't feel so bad about being shit on. There have been many doors during my recovery that I didn't want shut and that I kept going back to and banging on trying to get back in. This was like my fiancee—when he had an affair, that was a door shut. I banged like a banshee on the door begging him to take me, not her. He finally did come back to me and marry me and 18 months later, I was filing for divorce because he kept beating the crap out of me. Now I see it would have been better to let the door stay shut the first time. Another time, one of my publishers wouldn't take a book, I really beleived in. I begged,
humiliating myself and they turned a cold shoulder to me! The door was shut. Forced to pursue other avenues, eventually I was given an offer by one of the biggest publishers in the world at 20 times the advance! In retrospect, I could see that the closed door forced me to seek another publisher, who has a better chance at distributing the book to a wider market! Through many examples like this, over the years I have learned a couple of things about closed doors—when a door is closed and you didn't close it, than your Higher Power has something better in store for you. If you insist on opening a closed door (AKA "self will") your pain after the second round is a lot worse that the pain of the first closed door.
You may not understand the closed doors, but thank your HP for them. I can promise you that each new door it forces you to open will bring you greater joy and gifts than you could have imagined behind the old closed door! Opportunities will be revealed to you you could not have imagined. Reopening a closed door is self-will while gratitude for the door banging shut is the way to work step three and show your HP that you trust His decisions for you. No matter how long you are sober or how much you do, you will never rise above the level of human being.The word "humility": comes from "humus", which means earth or dirt. To be humble is to feel yourself a part of the earth—our sense of oneness with the earth. I had a friend that I sobered up with, Don, who had helped addicts on a par with me. We had about the same clean and sober time. When people began calling him "Saint Don", I began to get upset that they also didn't start calling me "Saint Shelly". The more I became convinced that my 12 step work was as important or more so than Don's, the more resentful I became. I knew in my mind I wasn't being humble, and that it wasn't healthy, but I couldn't stop.
So I prayed. Shortly thereafter, a guru knocked on my door. "I am a Guru," a rotund young man informed me. "I have been sent to teach you." He spent the next 12 hours teaching me I was not special. "what do you do?" he demanded. "I work with alcoholics and addicts." "What do you accomplish?" "I help them," I stammered, "I write books, and do 12-step calls, and help them see the truth about addiction. I help them get sober." He laughed in my face, "Do you imagine," he guffawed, "That God's messages wouldn't find them without you?" I had never thought of that. "Whether you are there or not, when they are ready, the truth they need will come to them. It may arrive through a book, another person, a movie or a spiritual experience; when the pupil is ready—the teacher
appears. It doesn't have to be you." The guru taught me that I am only Human, humus of the earth. Don wasn't a Saint, nor will I be. God uses me as I make myself available but He doesn't need me to help others. I am not a saint: I am of the earth, a humble human earthling. If the only tool I have is a hammer, then I tend to treat every problem as a nail.Although some problems have to be pounded out of us addicts, this isn't
true for everything. Thank God we have a multitude of tools in our program to
solve our various problems. We have the Big Book, Our Sponsor, our principles, our steps, our fellowship, our meetings, our service work. We are Only as Sick as our SecretsWhen I drank and drugged, my life was a closed book. I hated for anyone
to know anything about me. Small towns were scary places because everyone knew
everything about you. In my using days, I preferred the anonymity of the big city. But once I began my path of recovery, my book began opening to others and as the Big Book
says about hiding our past, we "should be willing to bring former mistakes, no
matter how grievous, out of their hiding places." (p. 124). At 7 years clean and sober I had an opportunity to move to a small town. "But I don't like small towns," I thought, "because everyone knows everything about you." Then I laughed at myself because I realized that in my recovery I had nothing to hide. I wanted people to know all about me because I am a pretty fantastic person! At this point I realized I had no more secrets. So if you are only as sick as your secrets, conversely you are only as healthy as your honesty! The Tale of Three Marbles—Desire, Drink, & DopeWon't you come and share with me the story of three marbles called Desire, Drink, & Dope? If you have that awful craving for Drink or Dope, you are playing with your marbles. Your opponent in this game of marbles is Dick (short for addiction). Dick is trying to get you to shoot your marbles. If you Don't give into Desire and you Don't Drink or Dope, then you won't lose your marbles! A better game plan is to trade those marbles with the Divine for Do, Don't and Daily. Do the steps; Don't pick up; and work a Daily program. Don't lose your marbles, trade them. No Pain, No GainI always took exception to this slogan because I believe that we can
work the steps and grow just fine. Believing that there is no growth without pain is
forgetting steps two and three. If we believe that God is in charge and if we let our Higher
Power run our lives, do we really think God is going to clobber us with pain so we can grow
spiritually? It's a simple program for complicated people.When I first came into the program I had two options: to drink or not to drink. By the time I had thirty days, I had narrowed my options down to eight! In Day By Day for April 8th is a clear plan for keeping it simple. You might want to read it when life seems complicated. False Evidence Appearing RealAt nineteen years of sobriety, I was facing a daunting situation and fear began to get the better of my thoughts and feelings. A long time clean and sober Indian named Char Lee was working with me and said that fear is a demon. "What I do with demons," explained Char Lee, "is look at them squarely and shout, mother fucking demon you don't exist!" Thoroughly have we seen a person fail who has rarely followed our path.This is an interesting play on words from Chapter 5 of Alcoholics Anonymous. Yet it contains a lot of wisdom. Sure, there are many alternatives and paths to choose from in recovery—non twelve=step paths—that work for a lot of people. Yet when we look at the
track record of what works best for most, it boils down to our twelve-step programs. Taking a holistic approach to body, mind, and spirit is what our program addresses while other approaches may address only one or two aspects of our disease. Religion may only petition the spirit, while medicine treats the neurochemical imbalances, and psychology may concentrate on thoughts and behaviors. Other approaches do work, but probably less well then our holistic recovery. Think Think ThinkThere is a saying in our program that I take exception to. It is "my best thinking got me drunk." E.G.O. Easing God OutOur program will work for people who believe in God. Our program will work for people who don't believe in God. Our program will not work for people who believe they are God. If you are having trouble with this, read pages 61, 62, & 63 of the Big Book. Don't Sweat the Small StuffThis is a great analogy circulating the Internet that I have changed to
fit us addicts in
recovery. An old-timer stood before the beginner's meeting with some items in
front of him. After the Serenity Prayer, he wordlessly picked up a large empty mayonnaise
jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the newcomers if the jar was full? They agreed that it
was. So the old-timer then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the
rocks. Everyone laughed. The old-timer picked up a box of sand and poured it into the
jar. Of course, the sand seemed to filled up everything else. Finally when everyone thought
it was completely full, the old-timer managed to add more by pouring water into
it! "Now," said the old-timer, "I want you to recognize that this is your
recovery. The rocks are the important things — your sobriety, your principles, your
spiritual program,— anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things that really matter in your life like your family, health, and friends. If you lost these, you may be heartsick but your program would get you through it. The sand is the material stuff you want but don¦t need,
such as your job, your house, your car—they fill up your life but are easily replaceable and finally the water is all the activities that fill your life from dusk to dawn. If you fill the jar with the water first, it will spill out over the jar when you try to add the other stuff. Put the sand into the jar next, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. Priorities matter. If you spend all your energy and time on sweating the small stuff, you will fill your jar with water (or sweat) and drown in your sorrows. When you try to fit the rest of your life in, your sorrows will spill out onto the rest of the world. If you fill your life with material possessions (sand), you will find there is not enough room in your life for the important things (pebbles and rocks), the ones that really matter. Make your sobriety and your spiritual program your rocks. Work the steps, go to meetings, be of service to your fellows. Next, fill in your life with the pebbles. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your wife out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first— so that the pebbles can settle in around your foundation. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand and water. Try the 20/20 vision plan for recovery.This is a simple plan so you can SEE how our program works. Come to the meetings twenty minutes before they start and stay twenty minutes after they are over and SEE what happens. This way you will learn to "carry the vision of God's will into all (y)our activities." Page 85 of the Big Book. Get off the pity pot.Both men and women are subject to PMS (the Poor Me Syndrome). Every day in our lives is not going to be perfect just because we are not drinking or drugging. I used to think God owed me happiness because I no longer was being an intolerant, abusive, self-centered practicing addict. It was a bit of a shock when I was told I had to pick up a program, not just set down a drink! The best way I know of not suffering from PMS is get rid of the words "It ain't fair" and "Why me?" Plan Plans, Not ResultsMany folks take the phrase "live in today" to mean that we can't plan anything
in the tomorrow's. It's maddening to ask someone for lunch next week and they
won't "commit" because "I live in today," they say. However, one of the promises of the program is to restore us to sanity and that means restore our ability to think clearly
and make decisions. If we never look past the end of our noses we would be like the cricket
who fiddled all summer instead of preparing for the inevitable. How would we get
retirement accounts, plan for taxes, get our kids in college or even make a dinner date for
next week? No one wants to be the cricket with the ants doing all the darn work--at
least the ants don't like it! So the phrase was born to "plan the plans, just not the
results." (I think it was a sponsor and telling this to his cricket sponsee!) You see, when you plan the plans, you are working step two and using your head. The results, however, belong in step three where you turn it over to your Higher Power. When you plan the results, you are exercising self-will, not God's will. Maybe you won't ever want to retire and so all the funds will go to your kids. Maybe your child won't go to college with the money you saved, but become a pop star instead. Or maybe you'll be stood up on that dinner date, form a relationship with the person you bump into in the parking lot and find the love of your life. Remember, some of the of the most painful things in our life turn out to be that upon which we insisted! Winners Don't Whine and Whiners Don't Win.The Winner: is always part of the answer.The Whiner: is always part of the problem. The Winner: always has a program. The Winner: sees an answer for every problem. The Winner: makes a mistake and says "I'm wrong." The Winner: listens. The Winner: experiences misfortune and asks "What can I learn?" The Winner: works the steps through a problem. There are no victims, only volunteers.I know that I don't want to be a victim any longer. I got so sick of
whining about my troubles, finding my character defects and then blaming my parents for them, thinking I had incredibly bad luck with men. At some point I woke up and realized it wasn't all them! I had to begin to take responsibility for being there! Many times when people get out of the victim role, they jump to the other end of the spectrum into a villain role, victimizing the ones who victimized them. This is done through by confrontation, anger, or withdrawal. Yet I wanted to take the spiritual high road and come out the victor, not the victim or the villain. This is done by working steps 4 through 10. These are action steps based on principle. If one honestly takes these steps you can't blame others, you have to look at yourself and take responsibility for your own actions (not consistent with victim) and you have to compensate others for what you've done wrong (not consistent with villain). By doing this you can't be a victim or a villain. You can only win, as in "victor". Don't volunteer for victimhood any longer. Work the action steps and it isn't possible. Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.I maintain a sharing column on the Internet for people who have concerns
regarding their problems with alcohol and drugs. Not surprising, many of the inquiries I receive are from distraught partners whose problems are about the alcohol and drugs found inside their loved one. Their loved one is drinking too much, using too much, losing jobs, acting abusive, unreliable, unkind, and they smell bad. Alcohol, the great solvent, dissolves relationships in just a few heart beats. How many relationships and marriages would be saved with "abstinence?" God is the answer. Now what is the problem? (God in the 12 step programs)In this age of political correctness, people aren't supposed to bring
"God" into anything public because they say it makes it religious and we are a country founded on religious freedom. According to Random House Dictionary, Life, Truth, Love, Mind, Soul, Spirit, and Principle are all synonymous for "God"—words we normally use with impunity.
When people try to get the "God" out of the 12 step programs in the name of "Religious Freedom" they miss the point entirely. The 12 step programs are about religious freedom and encourage and endorse it. No, the 12 steps are not a religion but accommodate most religions and non religious life styles. Yet saying "God" makes many people think it is a religion and therefore should be changed.
The courts go back and forth on this and Rational Recovery has made it their mission to destroy 12 step programs because they claim it's religious. The above statement could just as easily be said "Life, Truth, Love, Mind, Soul, Spirit, and Principle are the answers. Now what is the problem?" When it is understood that "God" is a generic term for the Ultimate Life Forces, one sees how naive it is to think the 12 step programs are "religious". I'm becoming the person I used to resent.Sobriety often brings us effects we never expected. After I'd been in recovery for several years, I decided to go to college. One of the courses was speech class and naturally I decided to talk about "Recovery" for my topic. During our finals, one particularly nice looking and popular girl sneered at me and said sarcastically, "There goes Ms. Goody Two Shoes." Although meant as a slam, I was thrilled. No one had ever called this low life, black sheep addict a "Goody Two Shoes". That was a gift of sobriety for me, that people might think of me in those terms rather then as street slime. It was then I realized
I was becoming the type I used to speak sarcastically about. What a blessing. "isms": From I, Self, and MeAlcoholism is a form of an "Incredibly Short Memory". Another way to say futility is "I Sponsor Myself". Narcissism is a version of "InSide Me". Pessimism is when one can say "I Sabotage Myself". Optimism can be described as "Incredibly Spiritual Moments". Which "ism" would you adopt for your life?
Worry is like a rocking horse, it keeps you moving but never gets you anywhere.Most people don't automatically think of worry as a control problem, but for me it is. I worry when something isn't going the way I want it to. The only reason I worry is because I don't have control over the outcome and I don't trust that my Higher Power has my best interests in mind. When I find myself worrying I say this prayer: "I believe in Mind and one Power and the Power I serve also serves me. I trust that the solution to this situation is in the best interests of all concerned." Knowing that my HP is working in my highest interests leaves me nothing to try and control and nothing to change and therefore, nothing to worry about! Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.The truth is that God doesn't deal with time, clocks, and calendars. God is in today. Think about it. When its 1 PM in New York, its 11 AM in LA, 8 PM in Hawaii. Somewhere in the Middle East its yesterday and in Europe its tomorrow. Yesterday is gone and by the time tomorrow arrives it's today. If you try to get to the Middle East and find tomorrow, you will find today and should you jetline yourself to Europe to find tomorrow, you will still end up in today. So actually it is "NOW" everywhere in the entire Universe! God put you in today because God is in today. And if God (Allah, Krishna, Khahuna, Creator, Divine Intelligence) is in the NOW with you, than "Just for Today" flow with it. When you point the finger at someone else, there are three pointing back at you.I love the fellowship and its constant reminder that my recovery is a daily reprieve contingent on my spiritual condition. This morning in my email, I had a message from a member of a twelve step program. He was "defending" himself against others' attacks on him for writing a book for addicts not sanctioned by the central office of his recovery organization. He complained about their lack of spiritual principles in condemning him for expressing his own recovery in his own way without their OK. I got a bit miffed—not that he was complaining about the mother organization (I happen to agree with his position) but that a few years ago he did the very same thing by pitting his recovery organization against another in the name of "unity". I wanted to immediately shoot back a response saying "Excuse me, but aren't you a little like the pot calling the kettle black?" And yet if I criticize him for not seeing his own faults, am I doing the same? Invariably when I "judge" or "complain" or am "critical", I find that I am spiritually out of whack—not the ones I am judging or complaining about or being critical of. Oh, they may be out of whack too, but its not my business. My business is to be of service and I find that I can't be of service if I'm judging, complaining or being critical of! I deleted the email. Responsibility: Your Response to God's AbilityMany people get the word "responsibility" confused with the word "control."
There are no gurus around here.There is something most of us learn early in recovery and that is that no one is the expert on our program. The way to work the steps and the way to apply the principles is between us and our Higher Power, not subject to the opinions of others. We learn when working with others that if they're not ready to learn, we can't say anything right. We get the "yes but, yes buts". And if they're ready to learn, we can't say anything wrong. That means that when the pupil is ready, the teacher appears and sometimes it happens to be you! The only time you become a guru in this program is when you become a legend in your own mind. The best way to keep AA is to give it away.Sages say that the best wisdom we know comes in the form of paradoxes. When we first hear "You Have to Give It Away to Keep It" it seems like it doesn't make sense. It's a paradox. Yet, if we read our main text in AA we find that the first 100 said there were only two things that were absolute prerequisites to not drinking: 1. staying honest and 2. serving others That means that when we help others, we are really helping ourselves. Both Bill and Bob, our co-founders, grasped this principle from the beginning. It is written on page 20 of the Big Book, "Our very lives... depended upon our constant thought of others..." And on page 153 "... give of yourself that others may survive..." It is by helping others that we save ourselves. It is by giving it away that we get to keep it. Slip: Sobriety Losing Its PrioritiesJust recently two young women asked me to be their sponsor. They know I have 31 years clean and sober and because they both had slipped, they figured that asking me might get them on the right track. I made appointments with both to have the sponsor talk I always give, telling them what a sponsor is and does, what I expect and how my program works. The first meeting with each (they don't know each other), their cars broke down. Then the second one had hubby problems and had to rearrange her counselors appointment and so canceled our second scheduled talk. Then the first got a part time job and had to cancel too and the other had to pick up her daughter from an activity and the first emailed me that her car was acting funny again and meeting me was going to be too hard. By the third excuse, I decided not to sponsor either because neither considered sobriety a priority. Jobs, husbands, counselors, and extra curricular activities always came first. Will they (slip again? Probably. Will I consider sponsoring them again? Probably. As soon as recovery is number one and they make the meeting with me come hell or high water. While drinking, their car breaking down, a counselors appointment, a part time job, or a child's activity would never have phased their finding the next drink. Until it doesn't phase seeking recovery, I'm not wasting my time. go to TOPToken takers take it and meeting makers make it.Although I never found it necessary to pick up another mind-affecting chemical once I found the 12 step rooms, I did come to understand that for me meetings and socializing in the program are very important. "Making it" doesn't just mean to stay sober; it means to live happily. Let me tell you why. I have what's called an addictive thinking mind. If I don't bounce my thoughts and actions off other people practicing the principles of our program, a subtle shift occurs in my attitude. It is so slight at first that I can't see it. When I had about 12 years, I began to get bored with the stories and think "I know so much and I work my steps, so maybe I don't need to come around so often and be bored." I went to less and less meetings. By so doing, my thoughts began to change ever so slightly. I started to date a guy who drank too much and told myself that when we were together he wouldn't need to go to the bars so often. He smoked pot every day and I told myself, "Pot is not addicting and it relaxes him." I decided to marry him "because he needs me and will settle down after we are married." Had I been making meetings, my family in the rooms would never have let this destructive thinking slip by them. They would have confronted me and I couldn't have deluded myself in such a manner. It led to the 3 worst years of my life. Now I am a regular meeting maker even though I have over 30 years! Just accept, don't expectThis is a short version of steps two and three. Once I came to believe that my Higher Power was going to restore me to sanity, I had accepted my dilemma and accepted that there was a way out. Then when I turned my will and my life over to a Higher Power, I gave up control and self-will. When we expect things to turn out a certain way, we are exercising self will, but once we allow God to be in charge we expect no certain thing, just for everything to work out in our best interests. In my first few months working the program, I remember the process. Step two was fairly easy accepting I was in a pickle and a Higher Power was there to help me. But three was laborious. I would think of something in my life, not know how to get it and write it on my turn it over list which I carried with me everywhere. I needed a high-paying, preferably glamorous job. Write "job and career" on the list. I wanted to be admired by friends and co-workers. Write "socializing" down on list. I needed someone famous like Clancy to be my sponsor. Write "sponsor" on the list. It was crazy. I had a whole list of what I expected God to do for me. At about 10 pages it suddenly dawned on me that what I needed to do was let God run my life! Duh. I then tore up the papers and asked God to do with me what he wanted. My expectations turned to acceptance immediately. That is step 2 and 3 for me. Learn to use things and love people, not love things and use people.One of the ways I know how well I am practicing the principles in all of my affairs is to notice how I treat people who can be of no service to me. When I drank, people were a path to what I wanted. Men bought me drinks, shared their drugs, and gave me money. I used anyone and everyone to get things that I thought would make me happy. I remember setting up my stepmother with a Hollywood hairdresser. He agreed that if she had sex with him, he would fix the hair for free of young girls I was pressuring into nude modeling and making money off of. It was an unredeeming life I led. As a child my dream was to be a nurse and help people. Once grown and living in Hollywood, my whole life betrayed me. Money, Drugs and Fame became my goals and I used people to get these things. Once I sobered up, my mind was horrified at what this little girl who had wanted to be a nurse had become. Working the steps, especially 4 through 9, taught me how to love people again. And more importantly the love so freely given when I came to the doors instilled in me the burning desire to return that love. If you pray don't worry. If you worry don't pray.Why would praying put us in a position not to worry? Understanding what prayer is might help. Prayer is not a platitude uttered in praise of God; Prayer is an honest attempt to talk to God. When you talk with your Spiritual Source, you will be acknowledged and divinely nurtured, therefore you need not worry. You can trust your Source. However, if you are determined to worry, then don't pray because your Source will take care of you and then your worry will dissipate. You see, worry is a rehearsal for failure and there will be no failure if you are talking to God! We will love you ‘till you love yourselfWhen I first came into this program I was starving for love and affection. I had beat myself up so badly over my disgusting behaviors and all the negativity I had drawn to me that I was desperate. Unfortunately, I confused love with sex. The men in the program around my age (I was 21) wouldn’t go near me because they were told to leave me alone for a year. I took this as a great rejection and went to the bars to seek companionship. By the grace of God I did not drink but only dated a few drunks and saw clearly that I didn’t want to be there. It is important we let single newcomers know that not dating them or sexually pursuing them is BECAUSE we love them. We have to tell newcomers what love is, they usually honestly don’t know. Learn to change, change to learnPeople are afraid of change. Why? Nothing is so constant in this world but change. People are afraid of change because they think God won’t give them what it is they think they want. They would rather keep the mess they have then let go of the reigns and have God give them something they think they don’t want. Being afraid of change is actually saying “I’m afraid of God’s will for me.” As I was writing this piece, I had to use the spell check. In order to get the correct spelling for a number of words that I had misspelled, I had to push the button “Change.” If I don’t let the spellchecker “change” the letters, I can’t correct the word and get it right. It is the same with us. If we don’t push the “change” button in our lives we can’t allow our Higher Power to correct them. Don’t be afraid of change, it is the only way to correct things. Overcoming fear of change is simple. Work the third step. Letting God spellcheck your life means pushing the ‘change” button. Do Not Do for Others What They Can Do for ThemselvesWhen I had 25 years clean and sober, I found myself dating a practicing alcoholic. (he’d been sober when we began dating). I decided I didn’t want to abandon him, but with all my recovery I could fix him, couldn’t I? I would read meditation books to him in the morning, advise him on his finances and child visitations, give him work so he had money, arrange meetings where he could hear just the right thing...and so on and so on. I did for him all that he should have done for himself. Needless to say, he didn’t get sober and I was furious every time he didn’t follow my advise and drank again. My sponsor sent me to Al-Anon. Boy was I shocked to find out I was a classic. In those rooms, I learned about letting others do for themselves. Like a chicken coming out of shell, if we help it out, it will be crippled and not walk; if we pull a butterfly out of a cocoon and not let them force their own way out, it can’t fly. We cripple people by not letting them do for themselves what they should do. As soon as I left that guy, he really got sober and has a number of years in recovery now! Live and Let LiveIt took a deep family tragedy before I understood the enormity of what this meant. I had a cousin, more like a sister, who was dating this real dope of a guy. Patty was gorgeous, he was so nerdy. She was world wise, he was a mama’s boy. I didn’t want her with him. I told her, “Dump him and get a guy more worthy of you!” When we found out she had breast cancer at age 35, we all panicked. Patty had a breast removed. We were devastated. Rather than act like I wanted, her boyfriend seemed not to grasp it. He and my cousin had been on a buddy program up to lose weight and weighed themselves once a week. After her surgery, she “won” the weight game the following week and he cried “No fair” cause she lost weight from the breast removal. Then I really wanted to hire a hit man! Yet, it soon became apparent that her cancer was not curable. What did the dope do? He married her, promised her a big home and children, took his hands and cuddled her swollen bald head and whispered “I love you,” many times a day. He gave her the hope and caring I could have never provided. Thank God she didn’t listen to me and die alone without hope. Letting God and others run their own lives even though we “know” best is what ‘live and let live’ means to me. Egoism isn’t necessarily thinking a lot of yourself—just thinking of yourself a lot.The first five years in the program were like magic for me. I trusted the fellowship, trusted God, got up every morning looking to do God's will for me and my life manifested things I could have never dreamed of. I loved it. Then I realized I was sober for FIVE years. By God anyone sober that long ought to know something! More then most, wouldn’t ya think? At that point I got very hung up on what I ought to be, what I was suppose to be and what I was going to be. You can guess what the result was. I didn’t any longer have time to be what I was! It took a year or so to realize I was an addict, a drunk, a lady with a daily reprieve continent on my spiritual condition. Once I realized what I was doing, I got back to basics and stopped lamenting the fact that people hadn’t started calling me “Saint Shelly.” If you aren’t happy today, what are you waiting for?This is a very simple way of saying you don’t have forever to start enjoying this life. I learned one very important lesson from my ex (I might add, the only important thing I learned from him). I had gotten into the habit of saving money by cutting corners in every department. When my daughter was little and I was young—in college and didn’t make much money—this made sense. But in my new marriage and after being clean and sober for a lot of years, it was more from habit than necessity that I continued such drastic money-saving measures. One day my ex came out of the bathroom with a roll of TP that rivaled the Sears catalogue for strength and texture. It had been on sale and I’d saved about a quarter a roll. “I’m 47 years old,” he bellowed, “and I work hard for my money and I don’t know why I can’t have something soft to wipe my a__ with!” I began laughing. I didn’t know why we both didn’t have soft stuff for our behinds. What was I waiting for? Today, I buy the softest paper made and the family loves it. It makes us happy. So what are you waiting for? Be happy. And if you have happiness in your heart, notify your face. If you don’t, notify your sponsor. What are you waiting for? Bring the Body and the Mind will follow...It breaks my heart when a newcomer hits one or two meetings and then announces “This program doesn’t work for me.” I know that means they will be using within a day or two. I attended 12 step meetings for several months when I stood up in front of a group of drunks and announced, “If this is staying sober, then by God, I’ll die drunk!” and I meant it. The program wasn’t working for me. Of course it wasn’t. I had no sponsor, no home group, hadn’t worked any steps but one. At that time I didn’t realize that the program doesn’t work for anybody! No one. We work the program, it doesn’t work us! What we mean when we tell the newcomer to bring the mind and the body will follow is that eventually they will clear up long enough to understand that they must make the changes by working the program, not sit around and expect the program to magically work for them. Fortunately, I kept bringing my body, despite my outburst, and I began to understand the distinction between the program working for me or me working the program. The next time a newcomer tells you, “The program isn’t working for me,” agree with them. They are right. Then explain to them that the only people who stay sober are the ones who work the program, not the ones who wait for the program to work for them. Tell them to bring their body to more meetings until they get it! There is only one thing you need to know about God, you are not He/She/It!
Our program will work for people who believe in God. How you get to be an old-timer: Don't drink and drug and don't die.As I celebrate my 31st year in recovery this month, I look at this slogan and have to laugh. When I first came into the program, I was always the youngest person in the meeting. I liked being so young, attractive, and “special” because I found recovery so soon in life. Now I go to meetings and I am often the oldest person in the room! I am no longer young but an old-timer, attractive physically gives way to attraction to our program, and “special” means I haven’t died yet! Let us not forget that “not dying” doesn’t mean just physically but spiritually as well. Our program gives us life in body, mind and spirit. Without the new life in spirit, I would never have lived long enough to become this old-timer. It isn't “me” and “you” anymore; its “we” and “us.”This is a “We” program, not a “Me” program. We do this together. Look at our steps. They all say “We admitted” or “We came to believe...” Doing it together makes us stronger and less likely to fool ourselves with dysfunctional ways of thinking. Many people say “Our mind is a dangerous neighborhood to be in alone.” But together we can be on block watch! So don't let your mind get the better of you, turn that “M” in me upside down, like we are asked to turn it over and make a “We” out of that “Me.” You can’t think yourself into right action, you act yourself into right thinking.If theory worked, if having the right thoughts and even the right desires were enough, we probably wouldn’t need a program of action like AA, NA, CDA, MA CA, etceteras. Few of us had a shortage of good thoughts or high resolves when it came to controlling the use of mind affecting chemicals. And yet, when that craving hit, our minds so cleverly found a handy excuse to use “just this one more time” and our “thinking” to do the right thing went right down the toilet. And so our very best thoughts won’t save us. When we are given a program of action, it tells us what to DO, not what to think. Think anything you want, just DO what we tell you. And eventually when we DO this and that, as we are told, we don’t use, we dry up, we act sane and our lives get so much better. All this had little to do with our thinking or theories, it had to do with our actions. And if you don’t believe this, stop going to meetings, stop looking at where you’re wrong, stop making amends, and stop doing service work. You will soon see that no matter how good your “thoughts” are, your life won’t be worth a hoot in very short order. You can’t get indigestion from swallowing your pride.This is a pithy saying, but what it actually means is that you can’t get indigestion from swallowing false pride. For pride in who we are and the ability to hold our head high and look the next person in the eye is a benefit of recovery. It is the false pride of thinking we are so wonderful because we help other people. Instead, we help others because it keeps us clean and sober. False pride can become a stumbling block. We remember the false pride of lying in the gutter looking down on the rest of the world and remember that real pride comes in taking the hand of the one helping us up and paying him back by helping the guy in the gutter across the street. Its a Selfish ProgramWhenever Mom went on the wagon as we were growing up, she always tried to make it up to us kids because she had been so miserable when she drank. Although we hated her drinking, we loved her "wagon" times because she did so much for us then. So when she went into this crazy organization called "AA" we didn't like it much, 'cause she quit drinking but didn't start "making it up to us." "Its a selfish program," she told us they told her. And she took care of herself right into sobriety. Taking her focus off the rest of the world and placing it on herself saved her life. Then mine (I followed her into the program), then my brothers, uncle, cousins, and more. Today we have over 200 years recovery in our immediate family. Change: If you have God in one hand and the fellowship in the other hand, you can't get drunk today.I don't believe that I could have found recovery without the loving hands of the fellowship pulling me up out of the gutter and without God directing them how to do it. I didn't understand God or the fellowship at first. I was a hippie hitch hiking my way across the continent, looking up AA in every town I came to. They fed me, gave me shelter and told me to "Keep Coming Back". At first I did it for the food and shelter and attention... That got me out of the gutter. As I stayed clean and sober, I began to understand the "God" part and what recovery was really about. It was the fellowship's loving hands that put me into the hands of my Higher Power. Change: If you keep doing the same thing over and over, you'll keep getting the same thing over and over.Ah, yes, "Change" was a formula for panic in my early recovery. How could I control my world if it were different and I was unfamiliar with it? Change for me was a way of saying I wasn't in control. As I tried to justify doing what I'd always done, I was a little more then dubious when they told me, "Everything after "but" is BS" "But you don't understand," I explained to people in the fellowship why I had to keep dancing in a bar. It was my sponsor who banged her fist on the table and screamed "Booze is calling you back!" That captured my attention. I quit working in the bar that day and to my amazement found the truth in "If you keep doing the same thing over and over, you'll keep getting the same thing over and over." What I stopped getting when I quit the bar scene was intense cravings for alcohol. Duh.... Today I'm pretty flexible, as long as you don't change anything! G.O.D.Dear God, Don't let me get into your way today. I know that it is the ultimate of recovery challenges to let you be the director and me the agent, you the employer and me the worker, to let you put Good Orderly Direction into my steps... and yet, when I am afraid, I want to take control as if I could be in control of my sobriety any better than I was in control of my drinking! So I will reread pages 61, 62, and 63 of The Big Book written by a Group Of Drunks, and Give Over Decisions to you. An Attitude of GratitudeLife is 10% of what happens to us and 90% how we react to it. Knowing that, it is easy to see that if all our reactions are cast in a positive light, then only 10% of our world can ever be “bad.” How do we do this? By seeing the glass half full as compared to half empty. Pollyanna received a gift of crutches instead of a doll yet she could be happy that she didn’t need to use the crutches instead of sad that she didn’t get a doll. How about you? Bummed that you don’t make more money? How about being grateful that you have a job? Unhappy because your partner isn’t perfect? How ‘bout being grateful someone loves you and is there? Each of us can look at the 10% from either way. Today, I choose to make my 90% an “Attitude of Gratitude.” HOW: Honesty, Open-mindedness, & WillingnessThe worst form of blindness is emotional blindness. We say ‘love is blind’ but we must recognize that ‘hate is blind’, ‘fear is blind,’ and ‘anger is blind’ as well. Intense emotions obscure our sight and that is how we ‘dis’ ourselves “dishonest, intolerant, and stubborn” –just the opposite of what recovery teaches us. We must not let our emotions blind us and cause the opposite of what we seek–remember HOW. No matter how intense or scary our emotions are, if we don’t lie, if we keep open, if we remain willing to listen and try, then we needn’t disrespect ourselves. KISS: Keep It Simple, StupidAt first this offended me because I thought they were saying I was stupid. Then I realized they were saying I was stupid! But by that time I was getting honest enough with myself to understand that I had been incredibly stupid a number of times in my life. I mean “come on, how did I get here?” But it's not really me that’s stupid, its my disease. It will do anything it can to keep us using even though it ultimately means death in and of itself, along with death of the body. But through following a few SIMPLE suggestions we can release ourselves. Today I still use KISS but it stands for “Keep It Simple Shelly.” Be humble and you will not stumbleIt was my Mother who brought me to recovery when I was 21, just having found sobriety herself. I was young, I was beaten and Mom saved my life. In those first months, one of the meetings we made was in San Pedro at a mission with crusty old sailor types. They had a literature stand filled with slogan wallet cards, maybe 100. We decided to pick one each to help keep us sober. We both took this exercise seriously. I believe I took the serenity prayer, but the only card my mother was drawn to was a picture of a Raggedy Ann Doll and the caption (Be Humble and You will not Stumble). Of all the proud and wise sayings, that was the best she could do. Today we laugh about how almost silly that slogan sounded. Yet Mom--the woman who paved the way for our whole family to get sober, the woman who has the most to be proud of--is very humble about her role in our family's recovery. She has been humble and she has not stumbled. Progress Not Perfection.....When I try to be perfect all the time I get nothing but frustration, cause it ain't going to happen. I had an old timer email me the other day with this same frustration, (I don't know why but I thought I would be Donald Trump by now and I would have spiritually progressed to perfection. I am still struggling. But when I take a clearer look at it, I have a wonderful life and the few problems that I have, people would pay a lot of money to have my problems. Then I shared with him how at 27 years of working the 12 steps for sobriety, I found I was a classic Al-Anon, warts, control and all. What a shock! It was in Al-Anon that a woman said to me, after I expressed my pain over not being more advanced spiritually, "No matter how long you have been in recovery, no matter how long you have worked the steps, you will never raise above the level of human being." When I Abused Alcohol—I Abused People
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